Teacher Identity Rewrite

My conception of the way identity forms itself is this: identity is fluid. It is made up of millions of different moments, bouncing and building off of each other and creating different emotions, thoughts, and ideologies that make up our identity. These moments and interactions between others and our past create this fluid identity I am talking about. I look back at my first teacher identity reflection and the person who wrote the original feels so different than who I am today. The first identity reflection was written in the summer of 2019. I can’t believe that it has been a year and a half since that was written. I still have that piece of myself and the person who I was then has shaped me into the person and educator I am today. Since that time, I’ve (barely) made it through a global pandemic, have received tenure at my school, got married, purchased property to build our future home, have felt more stable and comfortable in my teaching practices, and have taken control of my mental health. I will always be a piece of the woman who wrote the teacher identity in 2019, but the woman writing this now looks, feels, and acts differently because of all of the major and minor events that have happened since that time.

I mentioned taking control and taking care of my mental health. I’ve always been an anxious, nervous person. I knew I had anxiety but I never thought it was bad enough to take medicine for it. I always had a voice in my head that would tear me down, saying things like: “You’re fine. You don’t need medicine, you’re just exaggerating.” That same voice would make me feel bad about not staying after school to get more done. That voice told me I’m not good enough, and I’m not doing a good enough job. I look back at my old writing and see how I’ve grown in developing my thoughts and my reflections. I can remember the nervousness when writing my old reflection. Even when I was doing what I believe to be a good job, I still sense the rush behind the words, the worry about getting an assignment submitted by the due date. Taking medicine to rein in the negative thoughts has allowed me to slow down. I have noticed this sense of peace through many aspects. In my personal life, the knots in my stomach and the irritability have disappeared. In my academic life I still feel pressure with due dates, but I feel like I’ve opened up more with my writing. Instead of trying to “fluff” my responses, I feel myself really opening up and trying to make connections that will apply to me, my classroom, or my students. In my professional life, I feel an additional sense of peace despite the parameters that come with teaching in a public school during a pandemic. I believe my stabilized mental state has allowed me to slow down. I remember when I started, the nerves from being a new teacher plus the nerves from general anxiety would make me a little snippy at times. I reflect and find moments of where I would become irritated with students and sometimes handled situations in ways that weren’t the best. I’m proud to say I haven’t had to raise my voice or have behavior issues in my classroom yet. I think this is due to a combination of students being so spaced out due to safety restrictions, my security in feeling more stable in my career, and my mental stability. Regardless of the external variables, I know my inner self has a big role in this positive change.

My teacher identity has shifted in a way that I wasn’t expecting. Before, I was very focused on wanting to know the right answer for curricula and pedagogical decisions within my practice. I remember feeling the uncertainty and the anxiety with not knowing the right answer. I held this mindset that if it wasn’t right, then it was bad. I still reflect and continuously ask myself what works best, but instead of focusing on a right or a wrong answer, my focus has shifted. I have grown and realized that everyone has a different truth - in their educational beliefs and in their personal lives. There are different practices that work best for different people. The key is knowing your students. To achieve this, my belief has shifted as an art educator. Instead of focusing on these right and wrong practices and lessons, I believe my role as an art educator is more about making connections. Making connections with students, with co workers, and with the community I am teaching in. These connections can be made between students and the material we are working with, the students and other artists, artwork, and the reasoning other artists and the students themselves are inspired to create. I think it is so important, especially right now, that people feel support. In my opinion, the art classroom is one of the best places to receive that. Art has always been an escape for me. It’s been the warm hug you’ve needed after life isn’t going quite right. Art doesn’t reject you and it has no rules. There are moments when art makes you feel extremely frustrated, but once the frustration period is over, the reward feels so great. Art always teaches you a lesson: about yourself, about the way a material works, about the world, about cultures and beliefs, etc. I think this is something that I am drawn to focus on in my teaching. I understand art isn’t everyone’s passion, but if I can give my students a taste of the variety art can bring to them, I will feel successful and they will hopefully be benefited because of their exposure to the arts.

Before I started writing, I skimmed my previous teacher identity writing, but decided to not dive deep into my old one and start writing this one and then make connections. A year and a half ago I wrote about wanting to be a teacher that supports and challenges my students, community, and connection. As I rewrite this, I have to question myself and why I was writing that as if I was not a teacher who already supported and challenged their students. I’m proud to say I believe I am a teacher who does what I was aspiring to do. My goals included wanting to make stronger connections with my students and building a stronger community and here I am, a year and half later, writing about actively having those points as a main focus in my teaching pedagogy. I am thankful for this program. I have had some major internal highs and lows through the completion of this course, but I believe it has made me a better educator. I’ve learned to slow down, and have been reminded to constantly reflect. I am hopeful to see how I hold on to the tools I’ve learned in this course and how they will continue to shape my teaching strategies.